Alligator

“J*mes B*nd raised the glass, sniffed, and swallowed deeply. A slight frown of concentration furrowed his brow as he tested the effect on his intestinal tract, and then he smiled at the waiter. ‘Perfect, George. Three more just like it please.’” —Chapter 1

Published: 1962. The author is listed as I*n Fl*m*ng.

Overview: J*mes B*nd takes on the evil Lacertus Alligator, president of TOOTH (The Organization Organized To Hate). This Harvard Lampoon parody deftly cuts to the heart of James Bond’s drinking habits, particularly the precision with which he orders, and the amounts he consumes. We include it here as a humorous palate cleanser.

What does B*nd drink?

• At St. Stephen’s Downstairs, B*nd orders four green-brown drinks that come in an old-fashioned glass with lemon peel. Later, after B*nd is invited to Alligator’s table, we learn the specifics of the cocktail. “First the glass must be chilled at 28° F. No more than two cubes of ice per measure. Basically it is two ounces of Wolfschmidt’s and two ounces of Beefeater’s with a half ounce of Cointreau. On the side the bartender should have mixed an ounce of creme de menthe with one of light Bacardi and a dash of Angostura and Falernum (not too heavy). The whole is then firmly shaken with a half cup of sugar and poured slowly over the ice in the glass. A twist of lemon once around the lip and into the glass and it is made.” B*nd then orders a single for the woman at the table and a triple for himself. After he learns Anagram’s name, he names the drink for her. Later she tells him “Your drink is very good.”

Falernum is a hard-to-find sweet syrup used in some tropical cocktails. It is flavored with ginger, lime and spices.

• That night in his flat, B*nd drinks a bottle of Grande Fine Champagne Arbellot 1794 brandy.
• As B*nd prepares for his showdown with Alligator at Glades, he drinks seven double martinis and swallows 14 Benzedrine tablets.
• In an attempt to goad Alligator, B*nd orders three Anagrams. After setting a high stake of £30 per point, 1000 points per book, B*nd briefly regrets the wager, reflecting that “Vodka, gin, Cointreau, creme de menthe, rum and Benzedrine had led him to this unthinkable impulse.” Later, B*nd carefully sips his drink, “letting the cool liquid sting the base of his tongue.”
• To signal * he has broken Alligator’s cheating method, B*nd proposes a toast to the Queen, and throws his glass into the fireplace. Everyone else in the room immediately does the same. Alligator reluctantly throws his glass over his shoulder, hitting Lord Dingletump in the head and dousing him in bourbon and grape juice. During the confusion, B*nd substitutes his prearranged deck of cards for the deck on the table. Dingletump then orders another round for the crowd around the card table, on the house. After Alligator makes the first book, B*nd drains his new drink, and then offers another toast to the Queen, again hurling his glass into the fireplace. When everyone follows suit, Alligator’s glass shatters amidst a group playing chemin de fer. B*nd uses the opportunity to switch his pair of kings for a pair of sevens concealed in his sleeve.
• When he arrives at the White Heron Inn, B*nd finds a bar, but no bartender. He fixes himself two double vodkas.
• At the Coral Beach Club, B*nd orders a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich (his instructions for preparing it make the Anagram seem simple), and a bottle of Schlitz beer.
• When B*nd joins Alligator and Anagram at their table, the villain orders three bourbon and grape juices for himself and his Bulgar henchmen. Anagram requests a very dry double vodka martini, made with grain vodka instead of potato. B*nd asks for his sandwich to be brought to the table, and changes the Schlitz “to a triple dark rum with a touch of bitters and a slice of orange. Two ice cubes, or, if you have the little machine-made ones with holes in the middle, three.” Alligator’s steel teeth clink dully against the glass with each sip he takes.
• As B*nd decrypts the message from *, he has two double scotches (Bell’s 25) without ice sent up to his room. During breakfast, Felix Ronson orders both of them a Grand Marnier Coronation and rum (Gosling’s overproof) with a slice of orange and no ice. Identified as one of B*nd’s favorite drinks, he savors the warm liquid as it sings through his veins.
• When B*nd and Anagram meet at the Longtail Bar, he orders six double gin and tonics, and “half a dozen limes, a knife, and a bucket of ice.” He slices and then squeezes the limes into each of the glasses. Then he fills two of the glasses with ice, adds a dash of tonic, and hands one to Anagram. B*nd savors “the delicious drink.” For dinner they have Steak Diane flambee, which is doused in cognac, lit, and served with a red wine and mushroom sauce. As they eat, they enjoy “the finest champagne in the world, Blanc de Blanc 1943.” After dinner, B*nd reflects it may be the best meal he has ever had.
• The next day, when B*nd and Anagram have lunch in the bar of the White Heron Inn, he washes his meal down with a glass of “Isabellita, an excellent Manzanilla sherry.”
• After B*nd has been captured by Alligator, he is asked to fill out a menu request for that night’s dinner. Along with ridiculously detailed instructions for how to prepare his meal, he asks for a cold bottle of Schlitz. During dinner, he creates a diversion by knocking his glass of Schlitz onto the floor.
• In B*nd’s flat following Alligator’s defeat, Anagram reveals “I brought some Schlitz.”

Other people’s drinks:

• Alligator drinks nothing but bourbon and grape juice.
• During the Go Fish game at Glades, * and Lord Dingletump order snifters of the club brandy. Alligator and his two Bulgarian henchmen order bourbon and grape juice.

Brand names: From Yuban (“the best coffee in the world”) to Schlitz, Alligator is chock-full of brand names, an indictment of Fleming’s frequent use of them.

Other observations: Alligator calls everyone “chum.”

Total: 28. Eight Anagrams (one of them a triple), at least one glass of brandy (although he consumes the entire bottle), seven double martinis, two straight vodkas, a triple dark rum, two scotches, one Grand Marnier and rum, at least three gin and tonics, at least one glass of champagne, a glass of sherry, and at least part of a Schlitz beer.